Why are we still shaming singles for living at home?

How economic realities are redefining adulthood.

30% of under 35 year olds live with their parents in the West. So why does telling someone you live at home still feel so shameful?

It’s a growing trend…

That data isn’t even up to date and the cost of living crisis has only been crisis-ing harder over the past couple of years. I’d put quite a lot of cash on the number being a lot higher. Neither does it consider the OVER 35s like myself. I have 20k social media followers that follow me for living with parents; an account to help them feel seen and less alone for not ‘flying the nest’ either.

As someone who’s lived and experienced the culture in the East, living as a family until you’re ‘coupled up’ is normal. In fact, if we’re talking figures, there’s probably far more people in the world who embrace multi-generational living than who don’t. The ‘nuclear family’ is a fairly modern phenomenon, that only became popular after the industrial revolution.

The math doesn’t math!

I did the nitty gritty with the numbers for the first time the other day. Not that I’m even employed right now or in ANY position to move out but… if I was….how much would it ACTUALLY cost me to move out?

After scanning ‘Rightmove’ in my small seaside town in the South West UK, the cheapest (non-retirement!) property I could find was a flat on the market for £180k. I then used a mortgage calculator based on a 10% deposit, together with a Google for ‘average bills for one’ to create this:   

It’s a rough estimate of course, it could be a little bit more or a bit less. But £1700 a month. Just to sit in said house, get to work and feed myself and my dog. £23.5k is the salary I would need just to break even. I’ve paid off my student loan and that doesn’t include any pension or savings contribution. Based on a 37.5hr working week, this is roughly equivalent to the national living wage of £11.44 an hour.  

The median average wage for the South West UK was £33,450 in 2023. Monthly take home is £2,300, leaving you with £600 a month to ‘play’ with.  Or to pay yet more bills like your MOT, the dentist or a new washing machine. You’re probably not going to have much left over for any investment or savings. And a holiday? Think again!

Oh and if you’re wondering about renting, the cheapest flat was £945 a month. 41% of the average regional wage before you even look at the bills. You understand why so many first time buyers are screwed. Unless they have financial help from family or to be able to live with them to save up for that deposit.

I could continue to depress everyone but hopefully you get the point! It’s in black and white. Living solo is just not physically possible for most. And for those that are doing it, massive kudos to them because it’s a huge fu*k*ng struggle. In most cases, you NEED a partner to move out.

It’s actually a smart move…

In today’s economy, living under one roof supports both parties. I’m personally happy to pay £300 a month to contribute to my parents bills. And recent changes in the UK make it make even more sense. Like the new government scrapping the singles council tax discount and winter fuel support being taken away from pensioners.

Why not pool resources instead of struggling as individuals?

Financially, the only one’s MISSING OUT are the banks, private landlords and the extra council tax. Like I was talking about before, WHO IS making the adulting rules and truly benefitting from them?

It’s not just about financial benefits either. It means less loneliness and more community living. Mental health is deteriorating in the young as quickly as diseases like Alzheimer’s are affecting the old.

Society isn’t catching up with the economic reality

Despite the common sense and physical necessity for singles to live with others, it’s still such a struggle to be taken seriously as an adult.

The strong stigma surrounding it and feeling stuck.

Especially when it comes to dating and especially so for men. Guys living at home scarcely bother to try. And some women will only chase the top 10% that CAN afford to move out. But where does this actually leave single people? Permanently so? Or dating AI just like this guy?

I’m childfree by choice and I’m at peace with the fact I may never meet ‘the one’. If I end up living with 4 other women in my older age then that’s more than fine with me. But what about the singles who DO want a family? It’s also just bloody human to want intimacy and connection. And I feel like so many singles are deprived of it because of stupid and outdated expectations.

Embracing community-based living

Yes, we can blame the governments and capitalism for the cost of living today. But what’s going to be quicker? Waiting for Kier to bash out lots of new houses and increase supply? Or starting to change the stigma around living together as family instead?

The more we normalise living with parents, the more we can relieve the pressure on individuals to live up to unrealistic standards of independence

Ans as someone who spent covid lockdowns alone in a tiny apartment on the other side of the world, I don’t think living separately is the best resolution for us as humans or the growing state of the world.

I’m not saying we should all give up trying to live alone. Or that you’re wrong if you want to move out from under your parents roof. Trust me, I have the days when I question my choice to live together too!

It’s about rejecting the idea that living with family is a sign of failure. To instead have society embrace it more and understand it as a valid choice and circumstances.

I also think we’re at a time where we need to claw back more community. To move away from individualism and blinkered by our own needs. To connect, become stronger as a unit and not struggling separately behind our screens.

Singles feel sh*t enough as it is!

And finally, in a world that celebrates everything that is NOT singleness… please can they get a bloody break! Whether it’s something proactively chosen or a situation of circumstance, let’s just start calling out the absurdity of shaming it.

Having a good relationship with your family and being able to live together is a privilege. It’s something that should be celebrated more rather than stigmatised.

If you’re like me and living with Mum & Dad, please know the ‘failure’ doesn’t lie with you. It’s the broken system that has made living independently so difficult. I hope you realise that living with your parents doesn’t make you any less of an adult or a human.

That you know you’re not alone and so many of us are in the same boat. How you’re making the best choices FOR YOU and that’s never anything to feel embarrassed about or something to apologise for.

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