When you know what you DON'T want but you're unsure what you do.

And is it time you let go of needing to know what it might be?

One of my recent columns was called ‘what the f*ck are you doing with your life?’ Resonating with the days when you compare yourself to your friends and the ‘right’ way to adult. And can an alternative path in life ever REALLY feel enough or are you just kidding yourself? I shared how putting your blinkers on and running your own race is ultimately key. (Figure of speech only because life isn’t a race remember 😉)

But what do you do if you don’t know what you want yet or where to start running? If the only thing you’re pretty sure about is that it’s not what everyone else is pursuing? The climbing the career ladder, the fancy white wedding, raising children etc. What if you want more but you don't know what that actually looks like for you yet?

And if you’re anything like me, progressing forwards and achieving in life has become part of your make-up. So not having a next step or any goals to strive for feels really bloody uncomfortable.  Because you’ve probably spent your whole life ticking the boxes that validate you up until now. You studied hard, worked your way up the career ladder…. you’re very ‘successful’ in a world that you don’t think you want to play in anymore. So voluntarily pulling yourself out of the ‘race’…it just doesn't feel great!

If you’ve been dabbling in spirituality and trying to enjoy a more conscious existence, then you’ve probably heard how you just need to ‘trust’ and ‘let go’. But I’m guessing you don’t like this answer very much either?

Because you’re only where you are because you’ve proactively made things happen. “Nobody is going to turn around and give it to you Lindsey” (Thanks for the unconscious conditioning mum!) The only proof you do have is that working hard and getting off your butt gets you places.

Being brutally honest, I don’t really know what I want right now either and it feels pretty uncomfortable for me too. And ‘trust’ is one of my favourite words to share with you in these columns! And when I say I don’t know, I mean I don’t know the details.  Because I know I want financial freedom by working for myself and doing something that makes a difference. I want love and intimacy in my life. I want my own home and security someday. But I don’t really have a clue what that business is going to look like. Or what that relationship will look like. Or where I’ll be living or who with. And HOW is sitting around and surrendering going to help me obtain this love and freedom into my life? HOW is that going to change things without me even trying?

And I think this is the point entirely. Maybe me and you both need to drop the ‘HOW’?

I doubt this is the first time you've heard this either. But ask yourself …what have you actually got to lose by trying it this time?

Because I've realised that for me , life is actually pretty good even though I may not be moving forwards. In the craziness of what’s going on in the world right now, I'm so VERY grateful. I have a job for the next 4 months that provides me financial freedom. It might be super dull but it doesn’t really stress me out and I can work remotely (HUGE win!) I have a roof over my head and it’s with my family with whom I love. And I enjoy so much love from the friendships I already have in my life.

So even if I don’t plan any kind of next step for the next 4-6 months. If I drop any sort of ‘strategy’. If I just focus on embodying the best version of me… what have I honestly got to lose? Months of stressing about what I’m not doing in order to get something I don’t even know I want yet?! Or months spent trying to figure out what that specific goal actually is?

And yes I know ‘best version of you’ and ‘higher self’ probably sounds cringey as hell. But for me this just means making small daily choices that serve me better. (So it doesn't mean I'm going to sit back and do nothing either!) I'll be prioritizing things that light me up like my writing and showing up in this community. More sleep and more movement. Less scrolling and procrastinating. Better boundaries and attitude and ENERGY! More connection and intimacy with myself and my body. More self-care practices and consistency with my mindfulness tools. And if after 4-6 months nothing has happened, well, I have the option to go back to stressing out about what I’m not doing again if I really want to! Continue enjoying a lifestyle that's actually pretty great anyway.

And what if it works? What if giving up the ‘how’ and the plan somehow ends up creating the life you’ve always wanted, without even knowing what that looks like right now? 

As I said earlier, I’m finally at the point where I’m willing to properly surrender to find out. And I know how hard it is to let go, I really do. But if you feel like you’re moving nowhere even though you’ve been proactively trying too…then maybe you’re someone that hasn’t got a lot to lose by trying it with me?