Sex & Intimacy in the early stages of dating
Do you regret having sex too soon sometimes? Well...that makes two of us and plenty of others out there too. #youarenotalone
Why do you think you regret it?
Because you don’t really know them yet? It felt like you were just going through the motions of what you thought you ‘should’ do? It just 'felt' too soon, it was awkward!
Because you might have only done it so that he would keep liking you? How desperate ARE you?!
Because you’re worried now you HAVE… he’ll f*ck off into the sunset #textbookfuckboy
Especially if they DO fuck off to Mexico afterwards because now you’re even more annoyed at yourself for letting them in…literally!
I think whenever we regret sleeping with someone, the underlying reason is because we did it before WE felt truly ready. It was more for THEM. And when it comes to sex…it’s a very powerful boundary to let someone cross. And you can’t take it back. That physical boundary is broken. And if you didn't do it for the right reasons, or if you feel like you're letting your better self down... it can sting.
I'm not saying that you can't have no strings, zero expectations sex. I've definitely enjoyed this in the past but for me... the doubt and regret has crept in the most when if I was truly honest with myself, I wanted more.
On top of any personal regrets, there’s the patriarchal shame that comes with women having any kind of sex out of wedlock. Reminder; as long as you’re OK with it, it’s absolutely FINE for you to be enjoying it in whatever capacity, label or form that works for YOU!
So why do we KEEP doing it? I don't know about you but no matter how strong the regret was, it didn't stop me repeating the same thing with the next guy and feeling EXACTLY the same things the morning after! So why do I keep doing it?!
I’ve been single for most of my adult life and the majority of my partners have been meaningless and often very drunken one-night stands. And I used to blame the alcohol. That it wasn’t me. It was the biproduct of the vodka or the 6 shots of Jager I’d downed that night. But I think I always knew I wanted to end up in bed with someone before I’d even had a drink.
Alcohol was just my tool and gateway to getting there. Because I was lonely. Because I craved intimacy. To be touched. To be held. To give and receive affection. And I crudely admit that it was always far easier for me to open my legs than to open my heart. It was like my ‘fast pass’ to the intimacy I really wanted.
Intimacy is a basic, acceptable, HUMAN need!
Finally accepting that I was lonely and wanted love and affection was HUGE for me. Admitting it! That I didn’t actually want to live life on my island and do everything solo anymore. Being this 'strong, independent woman', it just wasn't making me happy. Sure, life was safer and easier this way but I was denying myself my natural desire for human connection. I think I was always scared that wanting someone in my life meant I was 'weak'.
Hating on yourself after sex you regret, it only deprives yourself even more of the love and compassion you're ultimately craving. My London chapter is a great example of this. A 6–8-week cycle of getting f*cked up, sleeping with someone, sitting in shame and hate, locking myself up in a 'sensible box' and then going out and doing it all over again a few weeks later! And with the worst kind of guys! All these years later it makes obvious sense. My self-love and self-worth was so low back then and I think sex was my subconscious outlet for receiving it. I look back at 'London Lindsey' with only love and forgiveness now. She didn't do anything wrong; she was just lonely and really wanted to love and be loved.
So when 'should' you have sex? Obviously there’s no wrong or right answer to this. Everyone has different boundaries and timelines. Only YOU know yours and what YOU need to feel comfortable. But for me, it’s the intimacy I’m actually craving. And the intimacy part rarely materialises when you barely know the guy. For me at least anyway, I’m not saying you can’t have incredible sex and connection on a first go... but it's rare! (Another one to add to the regret list…because it was too soon AND it was shit!)
After a very recent reminder in said really shit un-intimate first-time sex…something I'm going to try and lean into going forwards is to hold out and get to know them better. Can I connect with them with our clothes on first? I know it doesn't sound like rocket science, like duh... of course I should have already been doing this! But just being more consciously aware that intimacy and connection is what I truly want is the gamechanger for me. Because it's not just because I 'shouldn't'. Or because it 'looks bad'. Or it's 'slutty' of me. Or I'm worried about what other people will think. This reason is FOR ME. Shit hits different when your 'why' is important to YOU and not just because you 'should'.
But it's not going to be easy! My will power is SHOCKING when it comes to physical pleasure! Throw in my anxious attachment, fear of rejection and vulnerability, the embedded feminine desire to be 'liked'... oh and the fact I've had this pattern and relationship with sex and validation for YEARS... wish me luck! But I know this ‘boundary’ for me isn’t worth crossing anymore. The self-annoyance because I’ve abandoned myself for someone else’s needs. (Well…abandoning my higher needs at least!) I know it’s not going to give me the intimacy I truly want and crave.
I just have to remind myself that it’s like a REALLY great chocolate cake… even though the cake batter is tempting to taste, it’s so much more enjoyable after it’s been baked and iced! #worththewait
The next guy that I like and start to date will respect and appreciate why I’m holding back. My future person will WANT to wait for it to be more meaningful for me and not just being about him. And if not... then are they really deserving of me anyway? I'm not sure it's going to be a better way of finding my person or even a way of ensuring better sex! I have no idea about timelines and I'm not going to put a 'number of dates' on it either. But I don't want to feel regret when it comes to sex anymore. I want to make sure that when I do it, that it FEELS right and that it's meeting MY needs... not theirs.
But how do you fulfil your need for intimacy until then? For me at least (because I’m NO relationship or dating expert!) and whilst I’m dating, I just going to keep believing that I’m truly deserving of the relationship of my dreams. The affirmations, mirror work, kundalini… all the tools in my toolkit to keep my heart open and full.
So that my heart is open. To let someone in and to receive the intimacy I crave through my heart and not from between my legs!
And…maybe I need to start getting more intimate with myself physically again too. To actually start using the bloody crystal wand I bought myself months ago but have barely used. To keep practicing self-love both on the inside and out.
Being single is HARD! Don’t make it harder by depriving yourself of the love and compassion you can at least give yourself. And if you do f*uck up and experience those sex regrets again, remember that you’re human and it’s NORMAL to crave this connection with others. The more love you can give yourself and not hate and shame... the more it will help keep reminding you that only the very best partner is deserving to receive your love back again.
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