I’ve stopped calling myself the ‘black sheep'.
From my ADHD to my sexuality and for what makes me happiest. Accepting the fact that I'm just different.
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I wrote on Notes earlier this week. How I’ve spent most of my life trying to fit myself into the puzzle of life’s expectations. And similarly to that piece that never looks quite right, it’s not until you look more closely that you realise it’s in the wrong place.
We had a family BBQ over the weekend to celebrate my brother’s 30th. I’m from a small town in Somerset and I’m the only member to have left to go to Uni or to have travelled. The black sheep. Aunties, Uncles, friends of the family and a few cousins with their kids. I love my family but I kind of dread events like this. I found myself putting on my smiling guest face, making small talk and tripping over myself to try and explain why I’m not ‘working’ at the moment. Receiving the same glazed smile in response to my “I’m giving working for myself a go instead.” Trying to laugh at jokes I just don’t find funny. For the most part sat silent until I’m spoken to.
It's so hard to not feel like I’m broken. That there’s something wrong with me for not feeling like I fit in around my own family.
Maybe I’m just being awkward or attention seeking? It’s only me that sees me as different so do I just need to get rid of the chip on my shoulder? Am I just being too much? Too indulgent? Too selfish? I obviously have far too much time on my hands to even be thinking about it. I’m not willing to struggle enough. Why do I think so differently? Am I just being difficult? (Welcome to the inner monologue of my ADHD by the way!)
Speaking of which, until recently, I never really accepted that I had it. Of course I didn’t need the medication the therapist recommended 5 years ago. To have to admit I wasn’t ‘normal’. But thanks to social media and the powers of the algorithm, I can’t deny the symptoms I have and how it’s time to stop ignoring them.
To accept that some days my head will be filled with overwhelming thoughts and it doesn’t mean I’m going crazy. That those potato days of getting absolutely nothing done doesn’t mean I’m the laziest bitch on the planet either. That I’m not weak or just making excuses for why I find things so difficult some days. Or why there’s nothing wrong with me for needing more variety and change than others.
I tried to lean into a similar softness this week. During another ‘heated discussion’ with Mum about wanting to move to Paris full time. How after 15 years spent overseas and away from home, she just doesn’t understand. What’s my problem with the UK and being hell bent on living away all the time? The only reason I could give was that I just don’t want to settle here. It’s that sense that home doesn’t feel like ‘home’ for me anymore. Well… I didn’t quite tell her that bit! Being honest, I’m unsure if I’ll ever have the desire to settle anywhere forever.
I used to think this ‘escaping’ was because I was weak. I was simply running away to find something from outside of me. As I wrote earlier this year, (read here) this has definitely been the case in the past. And wanting to move to Paris made me question if I was falling back. But in the same way I wrote then, I don’t believe I’m fleeing. I just finally accept that I don’t want the same things. That I need different. How being away from home for so long has (unsurprisingly!) made me change. And that’s OK. How when I look back at the path I’ve walked so far it makes total sense.
Other things I’m learning to accept:
· Self - employment is triggering my high need for financial security but I don’t need to keep forcing myself to be stronger. To just give myself what I need rather than constantly fight it. To find another income even though I have plenty of savings. That I’m not ready to just lean back and trust the universe on this. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or that my business won’t be a success because of it.
· That I’m a night owl by design and I can stop cursing myself for going to bed at 2am. Because if I don’t have to get up until eight thirty or nine … does it really matter?!
· For being happy in my long distance relationship and that it’s enough right now. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work for a lot of people because it works for us. That us talking about opening our relationship in the future isn’t ‘wrong’. How exploring my bi-curiosity earlier this year at a ‘Skirt Club’ event wasn’t ‘odd’ or ‘weird’. (I’ll be writing more about this experience soon.)
Maybe living with my family doesn’t help? Especially since becoming self employed. Now there’s no drones of corporate life to drown out or distract the ‘deficiency’ noise. Being the eldest daughter with expectations to meet and examples to set, it probably makes it even worse! Not getting their approval or being misunderstood is strong subconscious sh*t that I still need to shift.
But at nearly 38 I’m over punishing myself for feeling different. Over fighting these thoughts. I want to listen instead. To my body and my needs and to stop pushing them away for the benefit of others. To embrace the colour of my black coat instead of feeling ‘sheepish’. (Apologies for the pun!) To keep following my heart and curiosities without always questioning them. To spend more time with people like me where I DO feel like I fit in. To remember that family in particular can trigger the best of us. To accept them and their ways in the same way I hope they can eventually accept me and mine.
To find more grey. To stop trying to fix myself and accept there’s pieces of me that belong in different puzzle boxes for different pictures.
This feels like quite an indulgent post this week. I normally try and give a coaching edge and talk to you about your own struggles and overcoming them. But I’m learning that by sharing my story and thoughts, it still helps others . And so I hope this makes you feel less delusional about your own unique needs. That this helps you lean into all the things that are different about you that don’t ‘fit in’ with those around you too.
To try and lean into softness rather than your critic. To accept yourself for all of you and not force yourself into puzzle boxes and expectations you don’t belong in either.
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